Five Times Wally West Passed Out, and the One Time He Wished He Did
by Iron Woobie
Summary: Kid Flash's medical file states that the teen speedster averages about eighty-five concussions in any given year. Sure, he can recover in a heartbeat, but even so, Wally has had more than his fair share of pass-outs, blackouts, faints, and general unconsciousness. These are the top five of his "finest moments", plus one. Series of oneshots.
1. Fish Tank

_**A.N.**_ So this ended up being way, way, _wayyyyy_ longer than I thought it was going to be, but oh well!

This little (BIG) "one-shot" (five shot? six shot?) is the result of inspiration from a review by **Violently Red** for my other story "Outlier".

Because who doesn't love Wally Whump with the added bonus of blackouts? I know I do. :)

In any case, here we go! Hope you enjoy, and leave a review if you'd like!

Yours (and Happy Holidays!),

~Iron Woobie

* * *

 _Kid Flash's medical file states that the teen speedster averages about eighty-five concussions in any given year. Sure, he can recover in a heartbeat, but even so, Wally has had more than his fair share of pass-outs, blackouts, faints, and general unconsciousness. These are the top five of his "finest moments", plus one._

 **FIVE.**

Two words.

 _Fish tank._

* * *

For starters, Wally wasn't exactly _jazzed_ whenever the Team was assigned missions having to do with the ocean. Especially _underwater_ missions. Granted, they were a rarity in and of themselves, and Aqualad's expertise definitely came in handy.

Memories were made.

But for the love of Sir Isaac Newton, Kid Flash was a _speedster_. His schtick was running. Not swimming. And the level of resistance underwater, the crazy depths into the abyss below whatever submarine, underwater military base, or freaking mechanical whale the Team was infiltrating, and the sheer fact that there was _no air to breathe_ was enough to turn any mission into a bad day.

Wally knew how to swim, of course. That wasn't the issue. Uncle Barry taught him how when he was six. And he loved the beach as much as any sunburn-prone redhead feasibly could, but deep-sea crime-fighting was a whole other animal.

Because one of the many _wonderful_ aspects of his high metabolism was the fact that he ran through oxygen pretty fast when under stress. In his own mind, he could hold his breathe for, like, two minutes. Not too shabby, considering he didn't train for it on a regular basis. But in "real-time", he could barely make it fifteen seconds before he was gasping for air, especially when fear or high energy exertion required more from his lungs. His heart just pumped too fast, his alveoli just filtered oxygen too efficiently, and his cells just demanded too many airborne nutrients at all times that he couldn't stop inhaling. Bad news when "inhaling" meant taking a long unwanted drink of salty ocean water, right?

All of the above were explicit bullet points on his list of objections he consistently brought up whenever the Team was assigned on these marine expeditions.

Putting Kid Flash in these situations was objectively a bad idea.

But did that matter?

… _No._

So the Team was directed by Batman one September afternoon to investigate and intervene with a fleet of high-tech Atlantean pirates believed to have a secret hideout somewhere in the Pacific. Deep in the Pacific. So deep that the Team was going to need the Bioship prepared in advance for a high-pressure dive before they headed out, delaying their departure to early nightfall.

Kid Flash spun around in his seat aboard the descending Martian vehicle, fiddling with his seatbelt and humming "Under the Sea". _Just look at the world around you, right here on the ocean floor… Such wonderful things surround you, what more is you looking for…_

" _..._ KF. _Kid Flash, snap out of it!"_

"Uh, what?" He froze in his seat and turned to look at Miss Martian, standing next to him with a concerned frown. "What is it?"

"I was asking you if you could explain the… phosphorescence?" The green goddess raised her eyebrows, gesturing to the glowing blue lights visible outside the window of the Bioship. "I know the basics from my high school biology class, but I have a feeling you know more than we do. Well, except for maybe Aqualad, but he's busy navigating and translating at the moment."

The fish-boy was chattering in an unknown language with the nearest Atlantean military base through his headset and manning the controls of the Bioship.

"Uh, sure!" Wally beamed, shoving aside his misgivings for a moment to show off his scientific expertise to the gorgeous female paying him attention. "So, it's night. Duh. The lights are marine bioluminescence, lacking the actual heat you'd get from light bulbs, solar rays, etcetera. They're organic chemicals, released from little critters like bacteria and squids. In this case…" He pressed his goggles against the glass, shifting controls to zoom in as far as the tech would allow. "Yep. These guys look like basic plankton."

"Why are they blue?"

"Has to do with the E.M. spect- uh, the _electromagnetic_ spectrum - and the seawater. Most marine animals at this depth in the ocean can see blues and greens best, and their corresponding wavelength on the EM spectrum is around 500 nanometers, the max transmission for this environment. It's actually part of my working theory for how Aqualad's so-called 'sorcery' works - independently-generated bioelectricity interacting with the same producers of bioluminescence found in his Atlantean biology-"

"Not that this isn't absolutely _riveting,_ " Artemis cut in, rolling her eyes, "but shouldn't we be more focused on the task at hand? What do phosphors have anything to do with finding and stopping pirates?"

"Why, Artemis, are you implying that science has no place in apprehending criminals?" Wally placed a hand to his chest in mock-offense. "Clutch the pearls, what _ever_ would CSI, NCIS, and Sherlock Holmes think of such an opinion?"

"Shut up, Baywatch. That's not what I meant." Artemis narrowed her eyes. "I'm just saying, the relevance is… spotty at best. There's a time and place for everything-"

"And is descending for two hours into the darkest depths of Earth's largest body of water without any source of distraction _not_ the perfect time and place for discussing the only sources of illumination currently in sight?!" Wally deadpanned. "I... beg to differ."

"Oh, come on! You know you-"

"Arty, he's baiting you. Again… Trolling." Robin snickered and Kid Flash grinned. Artemis closed her eyes and counted to ten before standing from her seat, punching Wally (hard) in the shoulder, and pulling up a hologram on the Bioship's control console, Aqualad occupied with the main controls.

"We're approaching the marked destination in three minutes," she muttered. "Ship's picking up heat signatures to the southeast. We may have to go dark soon to avoid detection, so be ready."

The Team had their eyes peeled as the Bioship entered the first of a series of underwater catacombs. Winding volcanic tunnels created a maze-like infrastructure in the depths of this crevasse they were investigating. It would be easy to get lost without the right kind of GPS equipment - which, thankfully, they had.

"Wait. What's that?" Wally squinted his eyes and switched to infrared, scanning at a point in the wall of the cave outside the ship. "It's a symbol. Looks like a crest of arms - a squid design? No… a crab? Lobster? Octopus?"

Robin shined a flashlight in the direction Wally was pointing. "I… think it might be a shrimp. In any case, we should check it out. Aqualad? Miss Martian?"

The two heroes gave quick nods and walked to the airlock, Miss M's neck developing gills in seconds. They were the only ones that could be out in the open water at these depths without drowning, instantly catching hypothermia, or shriveling up like raisins from the pressure. Together, they approached the strange marking in the wall of the cave. Aqualad activated the electricity in his tattoos and added some light to the gloom. They turned back to the Bioship with a shrug, before Miss Martian tentatively pressed on the symbol.

It clicked loud enough to be heard all the way inside the cabin of the Bioship, sending a small echo through the submerged tunnels.

After a pause, several unseen panels in the wall of the cavern began to shift and slide away, revealing another passageway darker than ever before. The Bioship shined its floodlights into the tunnel and began to follow Aqualad and Miss Martian's lead.

"Y'know, much as I get that we're in deep ocean, home of the Kraken and all those creatures of the night," Wally whispered, "would it kill these pirates to have a nightlight or two? Just to… brighten up the environment?"

* * *

They continued on into the tunnel, which angled downwards even farther towards the center of the earth, for another fifteen, twenty, twenty-five minutes. The farther they plunged into the darkness, the mysterious and likely-deadly unknown lurking just beyond the edge of the Bioship's headlights, the worse Wally felt about the situation, and the more he felt the need to run his trap to hide his anxiety.

"... just saying, five bucks says they've got a Kraken. Any takers? It's hardly the weirdest thing we've come across. I mean, we've got a Superboy, a Martian chick, and a magical mermaid dude." Wally huffed in unsteady laughter. "And if Godzilla exists and we already know of at least two different King Kong-type gorilla baddies, I think a Kraken's totally within the realm of possibility-"

"You planning on shutting up any time soon?" Artemis snapped as they passed the thirty-minute mark into the tunnel-crawl.

"What? Getting tired of my fantastic voice?"

She narrowed her eyes and commented dryly, "Actually, 'fantastic' is exactly the word I'd use for it… fantastically _irritating…_ but it's going to be a long mission. You'd be wise to ration your obnoxiousness so you don't happen to, I don't know, run out of commentary when the time calls for witty one-liners at the boss fight."

Wally, Robin, and Superboy stared at her with wide eyes. _That felt very… meta._

Wally shook his head slowly, breaking into a broad grin as his eyes seemed to twinkle with delight. "You… you really think my one-liners are witty?"

"Oh my- Aqualad, Miss M, _please_ tell me we're close before I strangle a ginger at one in the morning," Artemis barked into the comms, slamming her fist on the dashboard.

"Actually, the water pressure _does_ seem to be getting lighter, strangely enough," said Miss Martian.

"I anticipate we are to enter a more expansive space very soon," Aqualad added, drawing his water-bearers from his back and activating them, sending more blue light into the darkness. "Be ready, and scan for heat signatures."

* * *

About an hour later, the Team had managed to take out eighteen pirate sentinels, stashed and disguised the Bioship, and planned to venture down three different branching tunnels. The pirates had created an air pocket down here to allow the flow of cool air for what seemed like delicate wares they were smuggling. Their cargo was being kept in a hangar in these tunnels, where they had easy access to a tube with intermittent blasts of hot air from the volcanic magma beneath their feet - their method for rapid ascension to the surface when necessary.

If they could find that cargo hangar, they could block access to the hot-air tubes and trap the pirates down where they could be handled and their cargo could be apprehended.

They paired up. Artemis and Robin. Superboy and Aqualad.

Kid Flash and Miss Martian.

Wally couldn't believe his luck. He was more than happy to explore underwater caves with the girl of his dreams. Maybe she'd find it kind of romantic…

Miss Martian set up the mindlink, and then the three pairs went their separate ways.

 _So, Miss M. I hear Mars has lots of tunnels. Kinda like these. Does the… environment make you feel at home? Or maybe..._ Wally ran a hand through his hair with a smirk, _the bright red hair we happen to have in common reminds you of your Red Planet?_

 _KF, you do realize that we can all hear you?_ Robin interrupted.

 _Obviously. But I don't care._ Wally didn't miss a beat, grin widening as Miss Martian blushed. _There's only one person I hope is listening right now…_

Slowly, Miss Martian gave a small smile. _Oh, I hear you, KF. And yes, Mars is full of tunnels. But they're not something I look back on with… fondness, I don't think. The tunnels are only our "home" because the surface of the planet is inhospitable - they're a place of mandatory refuge, subterranean and extremely cold. So I don't get homesick very often, especially when I'm reminded of… my childhood._

Great. Now Wally felt bad. Rubbing the back of his neck abashedly, he looked away. _Uh… right. Forget I said anything. Sorry._

 _Real smooth, Baywatch._

 _You know, I don't recall asking for your opinion at all, Artemis._

 _Actually, you did. The second you decided to try out freaking pickup lines while on the public mindlink._

 _Well, how about you just-_

Wally cut off when he walked face-first into something hard and solid. A clear, glass wall. _Ow._

 _Interesting._ Miss Martian's eyes widened and she pressed her hands against what looked like midair in the tunnel right in front of them... save for the smudge marks from where Wally's face made impact. _It's a barrier, like a window. It's frosted glass, though, so it's too blurry to see past it…_

Wally thought for a moment. _Let me try something._

He pressed his hands against the glass and vibrated them. He wasn't dumb enough to try vibrating _through_ the wall itself at the moment, low on sleep and irritated as he was, lacking focus and unsure if the wall was the only thing standing between them and a big cliff-drop into an active volcano. But maybe he could shatter the glass with enough force and friction-

 _CRASH!_

The glass fell to pieces at Miss Martian and Kid Flash's feet, and Wally gave his Teammate a thumbs up. _Piece of cake. Let's check it out._

They saw a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe three hundred feet ahead of them, and started to approach it. Wally crouched down to the ground and inched forward while Miss Martian turned invisible.

 _I'm surprised we haven't seen anyone since the sentinels back there,_ Miss Martian thought aloud. _They're not as diligent as you'd think._

 _Chances are good they're saving manpower to guard the goods._ Wally grunted softly as his hand scrubbed up against a rock while he belly-crawled along the ground. _That broken glass will probably tip them off if anyone's patrolling around here, but until then, we're probably okay._ There was a sudden sound of skittering rocks and the clang of metal echoing through the tunnels, and Wally added, _I hope._

The two finally arrived at the end of the passageway and pressed up against the wall, peering around the corner and squinting in the bright light. What they saw made Miss Martian suck in her breath, and Wally rubbed his face, sliding down to the ground.

 _This is unreal. Seriously. I can't believe what I'm seeing._ He closed his eyes and said loud and clear over the mindlink. _Guys, Miss M and I found the cargo hangar._

 _You did? We're heading over, found a cross-tunnel that connects to your pathway,_ Robin replied.

 _What is the nature of the goods?_ Aqualad asked. _What is the scale of the smuggling operation?_

… _You guys aren't going to believe this, but-_

 _Geez, Baywatch, just spit it out!_

 _It's a giant… fish tank?_ Miss Martian nodded in confirmation, and Wally continued. _Yep. Pretty much a fish tank. One the size of Rhode Island - I may or may not be exaggerating - and get this: it's holding the Kraken. Not gonna say I told you so, but… somebody owes me five bucks._

 _The… Kraken?_ Superboy spoke up, doubtful. _Isn't that a myth?_

 _If it is, then we may have fallen down the metaphorical rabbit hole, because Miss Martian and I are staring right at it. Them. Guys. Guysguysguys, there's more than one Kraken. Two, three… four, five, six… seven… Everybody, we are dealing with thirteen Kraken! Thirteen!_

 _How big is that freaking fish tank?!_ Robin asked.

 _Bigger than we can handle, that's all I can say,_ Miss Martian said quietly. _We couldn't even fit one of these… things in the Bioship, let alone all thirteen._

 _I will contact Poseidonis with our coordinates and depth level._ Aqualad was grave. _Superboy and I have reached a dead-end. We must double-back. This delays us._

 _Good news is… there's not many pirates around here._ Wally frowned. _Which is weird, considering we're in sight of their cargo-_

"Ah!" Miss Martian cried out aloud, falling to the ground as a crab-headed man clubbed her in the back of the head with what looked like a coral-encrusted staff.

 _Shoot, jinxed us._ Wally jumped to his feet and kicked the crab-man hard in the chest, yanking the staff from its grasp and swiping with the stick erratically at the darkness. _Was he alone? I can't see any more-_ _Miss M, you okay?!_

 _I'll be alright,_ Miss Martian groaned, picking herself up from off the ground. _I didn't see him coming. I'm surprised he could pick me out, since I was camouflaged._

 _Looks like you're not the only one who can blend in with their surroundings,_ Wally practically growled in his head, lowering his stance as he realized they were being surrounded by pirates emerging from the walls. _Let's get out into the open, we can't let them corner us! Guys, are you getting close?_

 _Two minutes!_ Robin said with urgency. _Hang in there!_

 _Geez, how many of them are there?_ Out in the cavern, Wally felt better seeing his Teammate fly above the danger and telekinetically lift the pirates with assorted marine animal heads, throwing them into the walls. The pirates were running around, swatting their clubs and swords. Some of them beelined towards the fish tanks, shouting in Atlantean that sounded suspiciously like 'Release the Kraken!'

For his part, Kid Flash did what he did best, and ran.

He sped down pathways between the parts of the fish tank holding the Kraken, sliding into pirates and knocking them out as efficiently as he could. Whenever he came to a wall of the cavern, he just accelerated into it and flipped off of it, changing direction and continuing to tear his way through the swarms of pirates that _just. Kept. Coming._

 _There's got to be hundreds of these guys,_ he informed the others. _I'm already at forty-five - nope, forty-six bad guys taken care of, but it's barely making a dent! Guess we're lucky they're not good fighters, otherwise we'd have our work cut out for us-ACK!_

That moment was when Wally's night truly began to go downhill.

* * *

 _KF? KF, you alright?... You copy?_ Robin frowned as he put a hand to his comms unit, looking to Artemis who shrugged. _KF, are you okay?_

There was nothing.

Miss Martian frantically searched the ground, trying to find what should have been a conspicuous blur of yellow and red zooming around, sending foes flying every passing second. _I can't see him!_

Finally, Robin and Artemis made it to the fight scene and dove headfirst into the fray. _We're here! Artemis, you take right, I'll go left. Soon as you find him, give a shout-out._

 _Got it._

Robin grit his teeth as he flipped, punched, kicked, and slid amongst the hordes of octopus-headed, fish-headed, and even dolphin-headed pirates. Atlantean physiology was always a source of fascination and confusion for surface scientists, but Robin had admittedly found them flat-out creepy.

 _Where are you, man?_

Aqualad and Superboy were still sprinting, just as they had been for ten minutes, when they finally found their way to the cargo hangar - thanks to Superboy's hearing. Superboy leaped high and far, landing square in the middle and flattening two pirates instantly, swatting away six of the enemy with ease. Aqualad sucked water from the nearby "fish tank", as Kid Flash had put it, and used it to sweep away pirates like a broom swept away dust.

The Team didn't have trouble with the fight itself, it was just the sheer numbers that had them frustrated. And still no sign of Kid Flash, which was both worrying and annoying. He would have made this fight end so much faster, but it was like he'd just… vanished.

Robin got fed up and shot his grappling hook at the ceiling, using it to swing around the complex and see if he could catch sight of his best friend and Teammate.

 _KF? A clue? A hint? KF? Kid Flash, come in. KF!_

* * *

Wally's mind had short-circuited. In the background, faded and barely decipherable, he could hear someone calling out his name, but it was so indistinct. And he had something bigger at the forefront of his concentration anyways.

He had been hand-springing off the side of the cavern wall, angling his body to dive into a somersault across the ground, when a big, grey, fleshy wall suddenly appeared out of nowhere and broke his fall. Emphasis on _broke._ The impact was abrupt and painful, sending him sliding backwards on his head and neck into the wall again, and he saw the world upside down - blurry, thanks to the instant headache.

That would be… yep. Fifty-seven.

Concussions, that is. He was always careful to keep track, for records.

The big fleshy wall was, of course, a Kraken arm, and it snapped like a whip to envelop Wally's body and drag him high in the air, then splashing down into its tank.

No, no, no! This was so _not_ how he wanted this day to go!

For a good long moment, Wally was just in shock. He didn't see that coming. He'd been so occupied with taking out pirates that he didn't think to check if the Kraken tank had a freaking _lid._ Which it didn't. And now he was swimming with the fishes.

Were they fishes?

Or were they really cephalopods? One would think so, because of the giant tentacles like the one that was squeezing the living breath out of Wally right now, but the shape of their heads was more akin to creatures from the selachimorpha family. Sharks…

Wait, what was he even _doing_? This was no time to be debating Kraken binomial nomenclature!

His mind went into overdrive, and he finally registered the most important matter at hand.

He was drowning.

Wally came to the delayed realization that he did not in fact have gills like Miss Martian and Aqualad, nor did he have superlungs like Supey, or a handy rebreather in his toolbelt like Robin, or an arrow that shot a secure bubble of oxygen like Artemis probably had.

He would have brought an air tank and breathing mask if he thought he was going swimming with thirteen goshdang Kraken, but he hadn't thought that far ahead. He did have the cupboard in his gauntlet - sucking air through that might buy him a couple of seconds, maybe.

Well, at least it would have, if his arms weren't currently bound to his sides by the massive tentacle squeezing him like a lemon. He could already feel the panic setting in. The claustrophobia had been lurking at the corners of his mind for several hours now, ever since he was forced to sit in the Bioship as they wandered around those underwater catacombs. It got worse when they walked on foot through those tiny volcanic tubes.

But now? Being physically constricted by a legendary, infamous monster of the deep, underwater without SCUBA gear or any breathing apparatus, inside a fish tank, inside a cavern, inside a pirate hideout, deep in a Pacific Ocean trench?

Yep, those were enough factors to trigger a freak-out. And he could _not_ afford to hyperventilate with 'ventilation' being an impossibility. He had seconds, and nothing more.

Vibrate! He gave quick bursts of energy, trembling his arms, body, and legs at a rapid speed, generating high levels of friction and heat. The Kraken released a high-pitched scream that was probably making Wally's ears bleed, but its grip didn't slacken. If anything, it got tighter, and the beast started thrashing Wally around in the water like he was a salt shaker and the Kraken was trying to flavor its foods.

He was out of air. His lungs were completely collapsed. His vision started getting darker.

 _WHAM!_

The Kraken slammed his limp, pathetic body against the glass, and Wally managed to pry one eye open to see the gaping face of his best bro and partner-in-crime through his waving strands of hair.

 _WALLY!_ was Robin's mental outburst (forgetting or ignoring the rule about 'codenames only on missions') as he pressed his hands against the glass, not believing his eyes. _Hang on, Miss Martian will get you out!_ He pointed up to where, presumably, the green Martian they all knew and love was hovering over the tank. Wally couldn't see, because his Kraken captor wasn't kind enough to angle his soon-to-be-corpse in the right position, but he believed Robin's assurances.

He just wasn't sure they'd make it in time.

His last thought before the lack of oxygen robbed him of consciousness was, _Artemis will never let me hear the end of this…_

* * *

He saw visions of swirling waves and cabana tents, hot babes with trays of cold lemonade and cool dudes windsurfing. He was relaxed and comfortable right where he was - in sight of the water, but _nowhere near it_ \- reclining in a beach chair, wearing red and yellow swim trunks.

His skin wasn't burning - a miracle in itself - and his sunglasses kept the sun's bright rays out of his eyes.

He had no worries, no concerns, no responsibilities, no blonde archer tormentors calling him out on his bull.

 _This is the life._

Now, if only someone could take care of that irritating yelling noise in the background. It was ruining the ambiance of the beach party. "Hey, can we amp up the volume? That noise is totally harshing my mellow…"

"'Harshing your mellow?' Oh, for the love of all that is holy, KF - _WAKE. UP."_

Wally jolted awake and gasped, flipping over and coughing hard, and maybe two or three quarts of salty, fishy seawater exited his stomach all over the floor of the cavern.

Classy.

His lungs burned so hard, scrubbed with the salt in the water he'd been drowning in and yearning for oxygen he now gulped like a fish on dry land.

" _What… happened?"_ Wally heaved as he doubled over and hacked up a storm, grimacing as his ribs started to bruise. He flopped back on his back and finally opened his eyes, squinting at the artificial light in the cave above.

"You were caught by one of the Kraken and held under. You weren't breathing when we got you out, heck, your heart was barely beating." Robin gestured to the fish tank, where Superboy was keeping watch over the thirteen sea monsters. "We had to get Superboy to wallop the thing before it finally decided to release you."

"Geez, really? Wait," Wally froze and turned to Miss Martian with adoration and appreciation in his eyes. "Miss M, did you give me the kiss of life for the _second time_? It must be fate that we have been placed in such… fortuitous circumstances-"

Robin cut in with a snort. "First off, _I_ gave you CPR, Kid Doofus. You're welcome."

Wally sighed and snapped his fingers. "Dang."

"And second, I wouldn't call two near-drownings in less than a month 'fortuitous'. You must have the worst luck in the world, dude." Robin handed him a small flask of water, which Wally chugged, trying to rehydrate - with non-salty water, that is.

"What can I say? I'm just so attractive, it seems even evil wants me. Ah, death, thou art a jealous mistress, beckoning mine life to your cold, watery embrace-"

"Hey, remember what I said about that point where you'd run out of witty things to say, Baywatch?" Artemis piped in from across the room as she worked on tying up pirates and lining them up for pickup by the Atlantean guard, which was on its way. "You're at that point. We all know you're not a poet, so just do us all a favor, and stop while you're ahead."

"Well, I appreciate you thinking I'm ahead, Artemis. That means a lot," Wally sneered, then grimaced as he coughed some more. "The mission?"

"Wrapping up. We took out the pirates, resealed the Kraken tank once we got you out, contacted Aquaman, the Atlanteans, and the League, and cleared out the rest of the tunnels."

Wally sucked in a big breath and exhaled in disappointment. "Sorry I wasn't much help."

"Hey, it's not your fault the pirates didn't feed their pet giant squids." Robin punched Wally affectionately in the shoulder. "Sometimes a Kraken's gotta do what a Kraken's gotta do."

"As long as the 'doing' isn't eating me for a late-night snack, I'm not arguing." Wally slowly sat up and hugged his chest. _Yep. Ribs definitely bruised._ "Can I just say, the next time Bats assigns us a submarine mission, I'm putting my foot down. This has been Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea of ' _hell no, up yours'."_

"You may not have the opportunity to make these decisions, Kid Flash," Aqualad commented, not turning around from the consoles where he was scanning files in the pirates' computers. "It may serve you well to be prepared for such scenarios."

Wally shook his head, shakily standing to his feet and taking a walk to get some feeling back into his legs. He wobbled and slumped into a wall as he blacked out again and came to, barely holding himself up from hitting the ground. _Whoa… vertigo._

"See, that's a nice idea in theory, Aqualad, but I'm from Central City. Smack-dab in the middle of landlocked Missouri. The only bodies of water I'll find on any given day is the Missouri River, _maybe_ the Mississippi, or either one of the U.S. Coasts. I can firmly say, without a doubt, that I will not purposely end up this close to death-by-water ever again, as long as I live."

* * *

Two and half weeks later, Kid Flash was searching the lower deck of a steamboat for reports of a drug cartel's stash, when someone set off an explosion and sent the whole boat sinking to the bottom of the Missouri River - with him in it.

 _About that 'never nearly drowning again' thing, um… maybe I spoke too soon._

* * *

 _ **A.N.**_ Hey, that was more fun to write than I thought it would be! I was expecting all of these to be little one-shots, but this first one ended up being way longer than I thought. Yikes! lol

Whelp, the other four/five moments are in the works, so stay tuned! Leave a review if you'd like! And for those of you who read my other story **"Outlier"** , stay tuned! Chapter 19 is in the works and should hopefully get posted before Christmas! :D

Yours,

~Iron Woobie


	2. Headstrong

_**A.N.**_ Wow, everybody! Thanks for the huge, lovely response on that last chapter! This was really more of a diversion, but now… I feel so much pressure! lol

Without further ado, here is the second installment of _Five Times Wally West Passed Out, and the One Time He Wished He Did._

Yours,

Iron Woobie

* * *

 **FOUR.**

 _Open your eyes... Kid Flash…._

Wally's eyes flew open and he jerked in his seat, barely able to make any noise through the gag in his mouth. He struggled against the ropes tying him down to a chair bolted to the ground - no, they weren't ropes. That would have been too easy. They were thick, ridged, steel cables, like the kind that hold up suspension bridges. No vibrating himself out of these unless he wanted to shred his flesh like grated cheese.

Well… that was a last resort at best.

Wally's eyes glanced all around at his surroundings as he tried to get his bearings. It was dark, and cold in the way a doctor's office does when you sit on an exam table. Metal surrounded him, floor to ceiling. _Where… where am I?_ he wondered, feeling his heart rate picking up pace in his chest, and his breathing increased, his chest heaving against the restraints with rising anxiety.

He was still in uniform. That meant he would have been taken on patrol, but- _Where am I?!_

 _Kid Flash…. welcome…._

A foreign presence was in his mind.

Its voice, like the hissing of a snake, seemed to reverberate in his ears, echoing and amplifying like if someone struck a gong in a cathedral. Wally felt his skin crawl. "Get out of my head!" he tried to gasp through the cloth in his mouth, noting that his noise-making didn't seem to amplify a lot - he was in a smallish space, maybe the size of a classroom. _Who the heck are you?_

He could practically hear the presence grin sadistically. _That… would ruin….. the….. surprise… Kid Flash…._

 _I'm not big on surprises,_ Wally grumbled in his head, trying to shift his way through the cables binding his back, arms, and legs to the chair.

 _I think….. you shall enjoy…. this…. surprise….._ the presence insisted, and something in their tone of voice made Wally freeze in his seat. _After all….. don't you want…... to see the Flash…. again…..?_

Flash. Wally grit his teeth around the gag. _If you hurt him…_

"I do not think the Flash is the one for whom you should be concerned, child." Out from the shadows stepped a woman in white and gray robes, her skin a dark blue like denim, with a red and gold headdress atop her head. "That will be all, Alhamis." She raised her hand, and the foreign presence in Wally's mind vanished without a trace.

The strange woman approached him and removed his gag from his mouth, caressing his chin in that creepy, patronizing way all female villains seem to do. Wally didn't take his eyes away from this newcomer, scanning her person for any form of weapon. Though… he had a feeling he was dealing with intangibles. Metaphysical manipulation, imitation "magic", that sort of weaponry.

The woman gauged him with a piercing look, her eyes a solid gold that made her look possessed. "You think yourself quite a clever boy, do you not?"

"Yeah, I'm alright." He narrowed his eyes. "Smart enough to know a wannabe-witch when I see one."

"How precious. You think I pursue something as sophomoric as sorcery."

… _Okay, you wanna start this, lady? I'm Kid Flash. I've got banter for days._

"No, I think you pursue world domination or retribution or something like that. The witch part is more for your getup."

"These are heirlooms! Ancient garments of the Order of Farad," she retorted, spreading her arms wide. "Gaze upon a legacy and history of power unmatched manifested."

Wally raised his eyebrows and shrugged as well as he could. "Eh, all I see is a member of the Blue Man Crew in a dirty toga. Ever heard of bleach? It might get more of the… 'pristine evil' effect back in the look of 'unmatched power' you're going for-"

"Enough!" Her eyes seemed to ignite with golden flames, and she smacked him in the face.

 _Ticked her off. Score one for Wally..._

"Look, lady. I'm only gonna say this once, and then you're gonna have a bad time. Let me go, or I'll make you wish you never heard of the name Kid Flash." Wally sat up straighter, shoulders back, and looked her dead in the eye with every ounce of confidence in his fourteen-year-old body. _Confidence, confidence, exude confidence-_

"You are bluffing."

 _Shoot._ "What makes you think so?"

"You are supposedly the 'fastest kid alive'. The youngest speedster in existence. A prodigy." She gave a sardonic smirk, crossing her ancient-garment-covered arms in front of her. "We both understand that if you had the ability to escape, you surely would have done so by this point. You are bound and effectively trapped right there in your seat. Therefore, you are at _my_ command, shall follow _my_ orders, or suffer severe consequences. In your words, you are going to have a… bad time."

"... Shut up."

"How eloquently worded-"

"No, no, seriously, _shut up_." Wally squeezed his eyes closed, his face the very image of concentration. "Do you hear that?"

The woman paused. "Hear what?"

"... _That._ "

"I hear nothing."

Wally grit his teeth, his look of focus intensifying. "My powers - they allow me to hear secrets on, like, the speed of the wind. The secrets… they're talking to me, saying… saying…"

"What? What... do they say?" The woman was close to him in anticipation.

Wally's eyes opened and he grinned. "They're saying you're a little punk."

The woman blinked, and then struck out in an anger-fueled punch to Wally's head. "Insolent fool!"

"Ow!"

"You think that I am one to be trifled with?"

"Ow, _ow_ , stop it! You're the one who's trifling!"

"Silence! I am a _queen_! The rightful queen of this world!"

 _Great. Another megalomaniac. Hit the nail right on the head._

"And _I'm the goddamn Batman_." Wally spit out blood in her direction, rolling his eyes. "Go right ahead, lady. Every bump and bruise Flash finds on me will be another ten minutes of agony for you. Justice." _That was a bluff too - they didn't exact revenge eye-for-an-eye upon their enemies._

"Your bravado is admirable, Kid Flash. Truly, it is." The woman extended her hand out to the side, as if waiting for the wall to give her a high-five. "But I realize you are still unaware of the severity of situation you face."

Before he could shoot back a retort, Wally lost all words as the wall suddenly glowed with an insignia - a pyramid. With an eye at its peak. Like on a dollar bill. _The all-seeing eye…_

 _Wow. What a time to be alive._

Slowly, he nodded, sighing. "Huh. Illuminati. Gotta admit, I did _not_ see that coming, but with the year I've been having, it was really only a matter of time.."

"Wh-what? The Illumin- _no!_ The Order of Farad has functioned as the guardian of the world's interest and treasures since the dawn of time. Your Western misconceptions are hardly fact-"

"Is your symbol a triangle with an eye?" Wally asked dryly.

"Y-yes-"

"Do you seek to overthrow current governments and institutions, and create a 'New World Order'?"

"... Affirmative, but-"

"And you seem to have an affinity for sticking to the shadows, remaining clandestine when at all possible, right?"

"... Yes."

" _Illuminati confirmed."_

The woman's blue face gained some red tint, and she stomped her foot on the ground. "Silence! I am growing tired of attempting to converse with a mind denser than brick."

"... Hurtful?"

"I will return with my comrades, so you may indeed see and understand your position - no, your precarious predicament - under the fist of Farad." She turned toward the pyramid symbol on the wall and melted into it, like it was a portal in the metal.

"Better hurry fast, lady! The Flash doesn't dilly-dally," Wally called after her.

 _Well, that went well. I think._

So recap. Was taken at some point while on patrol - Wally couldn't remember precisely when and where, his head was a bit fuzzy from whatever they did to knock him out. (He was hoping for chloroform, but if that knot behind his ear grew any larger, he'd have to add another tally to his concussion count for the year.)

She refused to be called a sorceress (implying that she considered her abilities to be more "spiritual" or "divine" in nature or something), yet was too impatient to be an oracle, so…. _priestess?_

Yeah. Yeah, he'd go with 'priestess'. A technicolor Illuminati priestess with an affinity for the grandiose and plans to conquer the globe, equipped with some sort of pseudo-magic powers that allowed her to walk through walls and plant snake-like voices in Wally's head.

Cliche? Sure.

Intimidating? … Maybe so.

He shuffled around in his seat, trying to see if he could turn his feet around the chair legs and leverage some power. His legs were the most powerful parts of his body, besides his brain, and maybe his stomach. They might be strong enough to bend the steel cables, even if breaking them entirely was an impossibility.

 _Where are you, Uncle Barry? Could kinda use a hand right now._

* * *

"Kid? Kid, are you in here? _Kid?"_ Barry called out, methodically wandering the sewers below Central City. CSI training and pointers from helpful onlookers allowed him to track Wally's captors to some drainage pipes, and now he sludged through toilet water and public waste in search of his nephew and sidekick.

"Kid!" he shouted into a side tunnel, his hoarse voice echoing against the empty walls of the metal piping.

 _Ten hours and counting,_ Barry realized. _Ten hours since they took you right out from under my nose, Kid. But I'm not giving up - I'll find you!_

"Kid? Kid, you here?"

Suddenly, from a distance:

"Flash? Flash, over here!"

Barry froze where he stood and spun around at the sound of Wally's voice. There was his nephew, towards the very end of the main tunnel, barely visible in the dim light from the reflective strips along the ceiling and ground. Barry's shoulders sagged in relief, and he zoomed to Wally's side. "Hey, Kid. You alright?" He reached out and grasped his sidekick's shoulders, vibrating him fast enough to pluck him through what looked like metal cables, and hugged him close.

"I'm… okay, I think. They clocked me pretty good on the back of my head." Wally rubbed his head with a wince. "You okay? After six hours, I got worried maybe they did you in during that fight-"

"Sorry, Kid. I haven't stopped looking for you, police are out there searching the streets, too - but you're sure okay? They didn't hurt you?"

"No, I'm good-" Wally's stomach growled just then, and Barry huffed in laughter, ruffling his nephew's hair.

"Well, I've brought you food, Kid. Here." He handed Wally some Flash energy bars. "How do you feel about burgers?"

"Sweet!" Wally grinned, and together, they walked out of the sewers.

.

.

.

Fifty feet away from the exchange between speedsters, just beyond a wall with a one-way window, Wally West was screaming himself silly, struggling against his restraints and managing to flex the steel fractionally in his efforts. "No! No, no, Flash, no that's not me! I'm over here! That's not me! Flash! _Flash!_ "

 _I'm the one that's starving!_

When his mentor and the Kid Flash imposter vanished from his line of sight, Wally sagged in his seat. "Wow."

Well, he wasn't too concerned. These kinds of 'replace sidekicks with posers' schemes always fail once the hero realizes their companion lacks certain idiosyncrasies. Right?

… _Right?!_

"Interesting, how easily the Flash accepted your replacement," the priestess, Kahina, commented at Wally's side. "One would suppose that your older counterpart would be 'quick' to recognize the difference."

"I see what you did there… quick… the Flash… so funny," Wally muttered half-heartedly.

"Do not bear such a glum look upon your face, child. How you say… your uppance is coming."

"... You mean 'comeuppance?'"

"Ah, yes."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better? You really gotta work on your bedside manner, Kahina." Wally sighed, shaking his head in mock disappointment in an attempt to mask his own fears and concerns. "This whole kidnapping has only been maybe a four out of ten. Points for the attempt at mind games, but you and your conspiracy theorist buddies over there really need to work on your comebacks."

Kahina bristled and gestured to the group of black-robed followers standing somewhat awkwardly in the corner of the shadowy room. "They are the best at what they do."

"Being creepy occult posers?"

"No-"

"Dressing like Severus Snape?"

"No, that-"

"Lurking? Loitering? Staring through empty eye sockets?"

"I am finished indulging your impudence!" Kahina snapped, slapping Wally again in the face and adding another red mark to his cheek. He'd been earning a nice collection of those lately. "You do not fear the Order of Farad yet, for we exercise restraint in our efforts. We take our time, and then we shall show you and the rest of the world what the Order is truly capable of. They shall never see us coming, for we shall morph into anyone and everyone. The Order of Farad may be your parents, colleagues, students, siblings, and best friends, and you will not be aware of anything different. We will infiltrate your society at its highest tiers, achieving..."

While the villainess proceeded to monologue their whole plan (amateur mistake), Wally smirked. "Putting the 'naughty' in Illuminati. I like it. I don't see why you care so much about impressing _me_ with your scheming, though. I'm nothing special."

Kahina placed her hands on her hips, giving him an arch look of condescension. "Are you not the emblem of Central City? The embodiment of hope for America's Golden Town? The son of the leader of the free world?"

 _Wait, what?_

Wally rolled his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut. _"_ Okay, hold up _…_ You were doing alright until that last part. I'm Kid Flash, I'm a protector of Central City, I wear yellow, check, check, and check. But I'm not the President's kid."

Oddly, Kahina seemed taken aback and got in his face, hissing, " _What did you say?_ "

"Yeah, look, I don't know where you're getting your information or if you just like making crazy assumptions out of left field or what, but…" Wally finally got a foot free from the cables and kicked the priestess right in the gut. Satisfying. "You're wrong. So wrong, it's actually hilarious." With one foot free, Wally was able to squirm the rest of his body out of bondage using the extra slack in the cables.

"We… miscalculated." Kahina stared off into space, looking at her life, looking at her choices.

"Yep. Big time." Extending his arms above his head and twisting his torso left and right, Wally stretched his sore muscles with a big grin. Then he wiped his way through the group of robed weirdos in a few seconds before any of them could react. He left the priestess where she was, knowing she had some tricks up her sleeve and wanting to eliminate distractions before he tried to tackle her head-on. Meanwhile, Kahina was just stunned, still standing next to the chair in shock.

For a moment, Wally felt some pity for the priestess. He knew what it was like to prepare extensively for one crucial, decisive moment, and then have it blow up in your face… in his case, literally.

But then the woman started cursing him out and waving her hands erratically, "conjuring" what looked like a big blue smoke lion out of thin air. And then Wally stopped feeling sorry for her.

"Y'know, actually," he grunted as he started playing matador with the magical lion construct, "I don't think the U.S. President even has a son. Just two daughters. Maybe you're thinking of the British Prime Minister or something."

Clearly more than fed up with his lip, Kahina screeched and sent the lion charging straight for Wally's head.

* * *

"That all, Kid? Sure you don't want more?" Barry frowned as his sidekick munched on some fries. Reporters and paparazzi were snapping pictures through the restaurant window, clearly excited that Kid Flash was back home safe and sound from wherever he'd been carried off to.

" _More?_ I just ate three burgers, how much more could I possibly eat?" Wally looked at him like he had two heads before returning to the fries.

Barry stared at his nephew through narrowed eyes for a long minute. Two minutes. After three minutes, Wally seemed uncomfortable. "What?"

"What's my name?" Barry whispered, crossing his arms on the table and cocking his head to the side.

Wally slowed his chewing and took his time swallowing, his eyes wide. "You know I can't just go… blabbing that out loud."

"Why not?"

"I mean…" Wally gave an uneasy glance to the crowd outside. "We're in uniform, Flash. If we were wearing normal clothes-"

"Civvies."

"What?"

"You call them civvies."

Wally seemed to be at a loss for words. "R-right-"

"How old am I? When's my birthday? Do I have any allergies? _"_

"I-I… Th-that's not-"

"Right, right, sorry. Those are unfair questions you couldn't possibly know how to answer. After all… you and I, we're just partners. Not even related." Barry was rising out of his booth, bracing his hands against the table as he scowled from behind the cowl.

"Um, right-"

" _Wrong_." In the blink of an eye, Barry had 'Kid Flash' by the neck and slammed up against the nearest brick wall.

"Ow! Flash, what the-"

"Do. You. Know. Your. Own. Name?" Barry growled, tightening his grip.

The… thing in his hands realized the gig was up and gave a sardonic smile. "Guess you're not as stupid as you look, Flash."

As the being changed shape and form in his hand, transforming into a seven-foot-tall blue shirtless man in a grey robe and cloak, Barry rubbed his face tiredly. Two steps forward, twenty steps back.

 _Kid, where on Earth did they take you?_

* * *

 _Swiiiiippppppppppeeeee!_

Wally just barely managed to dodge to the right as the lion pounced at the wall where his jugular used to be. He could feel the smoke-beast's wispy mane against his cheek. It tickled.

"Cut it out, already! Just… stay still!" Wally shouted as he tried and failed yet _again_ to reach Kahina before the lion got in the way. " _Ugh_ , why do you have to make this so difficult?"

"You've underestimated the Order for far too long, child. And Flash is under the false impression that you are secure under his watch and care. I state the destined fact: you shan't leave the confines of this room until it is too late."

"Yeah, well, oof! Well, I'm not a big believer in 'destiny', lady." Wally winced as the lion's claws caught him in the side, leaving gash marks across his oblique muscles. "More of a… make it up as a I go, kinda guy."

"I thought you disliked surprises."

"I do. But I like _being_ surprising." Wally kicked off a wall and flipped over the lion construct, zooming straight into Kahina while she was off guard and tackling her into a headlock. "Like now. Call off the kitty or I'll twist. You don't want me as a chiropractor. Trust me."

"You _bluff_ ," she objected indignantly, and Wally tightened his grip as the blue smokey lion bounded towards them.

"Lady, I swear to Einstein, if you piss me off any more, you're gonna find out that _I'm not that good of a bluffer."_

 _What's it called when you're bluffing about bluffing?_

Kahina seemed to consider that, and then twiddled her fingers, making the lion construct dissipate.

"Now. Tell me how to get out of here."

"No. Though you are not the First Son of the United States, you are still critical to our operation. To forfeit our strongest pawn? I would rather die!"

" _That can be arranged."_

"Then proceed, but do so with the utmost caution and prudence. This room is blessed under the Mark of Farad. The only one who can unlock the seal is me. I am your only hope of ever leaving this room alive. If you do not bluff, then are you prepared to take such a gamble, to meddle amongst forces beyond your control?"

"... You are way more annoying than I made you out to be four hours ago." Wally sighed and relaxed his hold on Kahina, zipping away to a safe distance and keeping an eye on her expression and her hands. "What's your agenda?"

"Are you so dense? I have already explained the intentions of the Order of Farad-"

"No, not your dumb Illuminati plans. Tell me what _your_ stake in all this is. Why Central City? Why me? Why not Robin, or Speedy, or Aqualad? Why not a President's daughter, or some teen heartthrob from Disney Channel? Why now?"

"I do not share personal interests with an insignificant pawn."

"This is a pawn who kicked the butts of twenty of your buddies an hour ago. Watch it." Wally crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes as he paced the perimeter of the 'enchanted' metal cage.

Kahina regarded him with a callous look. "Is your memory truly so corroded? Do you not remember your very actions, this very time last year? Can you not recall the event which marks its anniversary upon this very week?"

He rolled his eyes. _Here comes the tragic backstory and accusations._ "'Kay, I'm not in the mood to play Throwback Thursday with you. Be explicit or zip it."

"My son. Tharwa. You and your partner imprisoned him after he advanced upon this metropolis with a team from the Order, equipped to commandeer control of this failing vessel you call a city." Kahina studied him with a level gaze. "You crippled him and foiled his attempt to seize the capitol building, then had him sent to Iron Heights."

The barest vestiges of a recollection nearly within reach, Wally stopped in his pacing, scanning and searching through mental images of the past year. "Was 'Tharwa' blue-in-the-face like you?"

"Indeed. A talented young man, skilled in all the blessings of Farad. He was our future, our beacon of hope - which you and the Flash snuffed out."

" _Ah, yeah._ Yep. Gotcha. That was the guy that tried to bomb the government buildings and slaughter all the politicians. Flash and I barely kept him from taking out the main public plaza and the hundreds of innocents there - and the guy got his spine snapped in the process by resisting when we warned him to stand down." Wally frowned. It wasn't his favorite day of patrol - his uncle had to give him several talkings-to and some therapeutic fishing time before he moved on.

The harsh _snap_ of the man's back gave him nightmares for weeks.

"Hah! You confess your wrongdoing!" Kahina strode forward, her eyes glowing with a bizarre mixture of hatred and triumph.

"Correction: I remember _his_ wrongdoing. Your son was a few steps away from being a suicide bomber. A would-be terrorist. One that we stopped - and kept alive to this day, by the way - before he stole innocent lives." Wally strode forward to meet the priestess in the center of the room, standing on his tiptoes and poking her in the chest. "Your kid is an agent of chaos. Just like you. I can see why you're so proud of him."

Kahina's eyes seemed to gain heat, and in the back of his mind Wally worried that she might have heat vision and roast him alive. The woman reached out her hand, and Wally found himself being held still, unable to move away. "Child, child, child," she whispered with a growing smile, her red and gold headdress seeming to gain a life of its own as it glowed and wound itself around her head and neck. "Your charade is feeble in your moment of fear. I can see you for what you truly are. A young boy playing a man, relying on the assistance and guidance of a hero who has yet to pluck you from the grasp of the enemy. A child with power beyond your own control or understanding, potential unmatched, playing dress-up in clothes you think will bring you strength. When you know, deep down, the only strength you have will never quite match up to the real man of speed. _You shall never equal the Flash-"_

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Wally shook his head slowly. "Hate to break it to you, but you're not the first person to try that whole 'you'll never be as fast as your mentor' crap. It's textbook."

"But effective."

" _Not_ exactly." Wally gave a bitter grin to the priestess holding him captive. "There's nothing you can say that matches up to what I see for myself, what I tell myself, every single day. Your attempts to get under my skin, get in my head? Weak sauce. And your paralysis you think has got me pinned?... Pathetic."

With that, Wally overpowered the unseen force squeezing him still and gave a long-awaited punch to Kahina's face, bowling her over to the ground. _Sweet! One punch total K.O.!_

Once he verified she was down for the count, Wally turned to the wall with the one-way window and the pyramid symbol next to it. _How to get out of here…_ Surely Kahina hadn't been serious when she said she was the only one to lift whatever 'blessing' was on the room.

Surely.

Wally placed his hands against the glass, and tried hitting it with enough force to break. No… it was like he was hitting some sort of shield that reinforced the entire wall. He didn't have enough hitting power to break through it… but maybe…

It was one of those moments where the lightbulb goes off over your head, and you suddenly have a fully-formed, well-developed plan pop into your mind. The rush of adrenaline and triumph over out-thinking whatever obstacle is in your way, the flush of energy through your system motivating you to carry out this spur-of-the-moment epiphany out to fruition… Wally grinned and cracked his knuckles, taking several steps back.

 _Flash always told me to never try this on my own. But Flash isn't here. If I can pull this off…_

Wally closed his eyes and lowered himself into his starting crouch, leveraging the heel of his left boot against the wall behind him. He tensed and flexed his gloved hands, tilted his neck to the side with a satisfying _pop_ , and visualized himself as a ball.

A little yellow ball.

A ball that began to shake.

And then buzz.

And then _vibrate._

Faster, faster, faster!

A little yellow ball that vibrated so fast, it send little shockwaves across the floor from buzzing up against the metal.

Wally opened his eyes, and coiled like a slinky, he launched himself at the wall head-first.

 _I'm Kid Flash, sidekick to the Flash. A hero of Central City. And this is the first time I'm going to vibrate through a solid object and save the day!_

Those were his last words before he collided with the wall, head-first, at three hundred miles per hour, and fell backwards into a cold, unforgiving darkness.

* * *

 _Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

Wally groaned and stuck his hand out to turn off his alarm, but grasped nothing but tubes and wires. Slowly, his eyes peeled open, and he realized that his head was trying to kill him a la migraine.

"Ow."

So he was in a hospital. Bandages wrapped around his head, and IV tubes were linked into both hands. Wally sniffled around the nose tube up his nostrils and looked around wildly. Uncle Barry was by his side - still in uniform - and jumped to attention. "Kid! How are you feeling?"

"Hey there Un- Flash. Long time no see."

"Kid, I'm sorry - they had me duped, I was just so anxious to find you and latched onto the first thing I saw without think-"

"Flash. It's okay." Wally gave a slightly-wincing grin. "I knew you were still lookin'. 'Ts why I'm here now, right?"

Flash gave a relieved smile. "Right."

"How… did you find me?"

"Once I took care of the blue freak posing as you, I went back to the sewers and didn't stop until I'd checked pretty much every side channel and sublevel there. Finally found a wall that seemed a bit off, and when I hit it, it sounded kind of hollow. There was a glowing Illuminati symbol on it-"

"I knew it!"

"- and I didn't want to squirrel around with things I don't understand. So I called in a favor from Zatara, and he came and did his thing." Flash sat back in his chair next to Wally's hospital bed and looked at him with an odd expression. "I found you knocked out on the floor, with the blue lady and her two dozen followers out cold too. It was bizarre… Care to shed some light on that?"

 _Oh, great._

"I, um, I was getting hungry. I beat them all, but then I just… couldn't hold out any longer. Low blood sugar?"

"Explain the big bump on your forehead. And by _big,_ I mean softball-sized. Had whatever it was hit your head any harder, you might have had a cracked skull, Kid."

"..."

"Don't even bother, I already know." Barry sighed and shook his head, ruffling his nephew's hair (gently). "It's admirable of you to try, resourceful to come up with that under pressure, but Kid. There's a reason you're not ready to try a stunt like that. You were lucky to only knock yourself unconscious this time, and it could be so much worse. Alright?"

"Obviously. I know that now…" Wally winced as his fingers brushed up against the giant bandages and the icepack on his forehead. "The cultists?"

"Zatara took care of them. The only ones we really had to worry about were your lady and the guy impersonating you. They're all in Belle Reve now, under lock and key."

Wally should have been comforted by that, but something still bothered him. "Kahina - the priestess, the lady - she talked about how we put her son behind bars at Iron Heights. Flash… how often do we check on those guys? I'm not granted access, it's so high security, but you-"

"I keep an eye on the inmates there from time to time." Barry frowned. "It's not exactly pleasant. All the max-security prisons around the nation have their own character, their own quirks and tendencies. Belle Reve holds metahumans, against all odds. Arkham's the next best bet, since villainry combined with superpowers equates to insanity all too often. But Iron Heights… Let's just say, I wouldn't wish that place on my worst enemy, Kid."

Wally crossed his arms gingerly. "That's ironic. Since it's under Central City jurisdiction and a lot of our worst criminals end up there."

"Not our choice. The jury decides where to send a convicted villain, and especially when things get personal… when Central City's livelihood, the lives of its citizens… when someone threatens _that_ , Iron Heights seems like an appropriate consequence." Barry shrugged helplessly. "It all depends on the jury's feelings come trial-time."

"Oh." Wally would chew on _that_ for a while.

"In any case, Kid, I'm glad you're safe and healing. You went missing for nineteen hours, and your parents are on the verge of tearing me a new one. Not to mention your aunt." They both shuddered.

 _Well, at least I've got that encouraging conversation to look forward to..._

* * *

 _ **A.N.**_ Okay! So that was the second installment in this mini-series! Couldn't help but include a lot of my headcanons and details - some of which might appear in other stories like "Outlier". :) So far, these mini-adventures have been pretty lighthearted. But that will start to change very soon... Mwahahahaha!

I'd love to hear your thoughts! Likes/dislikes? Impressions? Favorite/least favorite lines? Send a review if you'd like! :D

Yours (and Happy Holidays!),

Iron Woobie


	3. Extraction

_**A. N.**_ Yes, it's been forever (Christmas 2015?) since I've posted anything anywhere. Life happens, big developments, yada yada, busy busy – you've been waiting long enough! Here's the third one-shot in this mini-series as a warmup to get back in the writing groove. I'll drop some notes and updates at the bottom A.N.

As always, hope you enjoy!

Iron Woobie

* * *

 **THREE.**

It was strange, having superspeed and feeling the life drain from your body.

Wally was in the process of passing out, and what should have taken moments was taking minutes in his accelerated headspace.

Probably because this was a gradual, smooth unconsciousness, rather than the sudden result of blunt force trauma.

Yeah, that was probably it.

He had enough coherency to recognize the causes of this particular blackout. Hypoglycemia, dehydration, and a poisoned respiratory system. Not to mention just pure fatigue.

The speedster also had enough coherency to reflect on the setting. There he was, slumped against a wall in a Phoenix alleyway beside a backpack and Robin – the two of them stripped down to their undies. In "civvies", which for a couple of unprepared sidekicks in dire straits meant one step away from going full commando.

If Wally weren't staring his own death in the face he would have cracked a joke. Instead, he fought to stay conscious. _Hold on. Just a few minutes longer…_

This was certainly not the ideal time or place to pass out, but his body had had enough. His eyelids slipped close of their own volition, and he collapsed against Robin's shoulder as the all-too-familiar void claimed him.

None of this was what Wally had expected when he woke up that morning, ate a bagel, and watched last night's _American Idol_.

Really, who planned on _dying in the desert_ on what seemed like any other ordinary day?

* * *

Eight hours earlier, eleven-year-old Robin was in _deep_. And also high up.

Ventilation shafts were usually his friend – and one of the few advantages he had over Batman in some situations – but in this case, they were the bane of his existence. He groaned as he rounded a corner and encountered yet another fork in the system, another choice to make, another five to ten minutes of uncertainty, climbing, and falling.

With all the metal surrounding him on all sides, vents were typically on either extremes of the temperature spectrum. In Gotham during the winter? Heat flowed through air shafts like water in a pool – saturating, sweltering, suffocating, and scorching all metal to the touch.

But here, in a remote facility in Arizona, during the summer? Icy winds buffeted Robin's hair and face, and he was grateful for the domino mask protecting his eyes from drying out. He shivered, and that made it even harder to hold the Block against his chest as he shuffled and slid his way in search of an exit.

It was a small miracle he hadn't dropped it yet. Robin glanced down at the Block in his possession – a rectangular, solid brick of data and answers, freshly hacked and stolen from the computer labs somewhere below him. His arm was tired from carrying the thing for what felt like over an hour.

He consulted his mental map, attempting to orient himself in the pitch-black, maze-like network of vents through which he was currently trying to escape. _Left. I'll go left._

One hand wielding his handy tool for unscrewing grates in vents like these, Robin disabled a fan and another fence barrier – taking a chilling blast of air to the face – before continuing forward. One minute passed. Two.

And then…

Another dead end.

Fury welled up in the Boy Wonder's chest and head, and he curled a fist to punch at the offending wall denying him release from this prison of his own making. But he restrained himself. Because he was Robin, and he was stealthy, and he was going to find a way out of this.

His stomach rumbled. He was hungry. He ignored the hunger. _Look at the facts._

There was no way he was getting out of this mess without some help. But he couldn't call Batman – he wasn't supposed to be out here on his own anyway, having infiltrated an illegal operation by stowing away on a delivery truck. And that meant he couldn't call anyone else in the League, who would most certainly alert Batman to his whereabouts and predicament.

So who could he call that could get here quick _and_ keep a secret?

His stomach growled again, and he frowned, looking down. Out of his memory, a recollection of lunch one day about three months back came to mind. He was sitting beside Batman, across from the Flash and…

 _Him._

The startling image of a giddy redhead in bright yellow and red grew more defined and certain with each passing second of decision.

 _Him?_

Maybe.

They barely knew each other, had only crossed paths about three or four times since that first meeting, but… they got along okay enough when their mentors introduced them. The other sidekick seemed excited to meet him, to work with him. A very optimistic, high-energy, _fast_ being of almost unsettling cheer and humor that seemed very out of place in the Gotham diner where they'd shared a meal.

Robin shuddered at the mental image of the ginger consuming more food than he'd ever thought possible for a single human. ("Metabolism plus puberty," the guy explained around a mouthful of his _fourth burger and counting._ "Gotta get them calories somehow!")

To be honest, Robin hadn't decided if he totally "liked" the guy. They weren't buddy-buddy in the slightest. Yet. But Robin definitely didn't hate him, and for someone raised by the Dark Knight, that spoke volumes.

Besides, he realized he _needed_ that speedster. Right now.

 _Yup, definitely him._

Robin sucked in an achingly cold breath of air and pulled up a phone number he'd hacked months ago after their first meeting, hugging the Block closer against his ribs.

 _No turning back._

He made the call.

* * *

Thirteen-year-old Wally West had a total scatterbrain for an uncle. And everyone knew it when he dropped off the grown man's forgotten lunch at his workplace, along with a note from the man's wife.

Uncle Barry laughed sheepishly as his coworkers cast knowing looks behind his back. ( _Typical Allen._ ) "Thanks, Kid."

"Third time this week, Uncle Barry. Aunt Iris says you need to take better care of yourself. Pay more attention to the little things."

"I know."

Wally raised his eyebrows playfully, wagging a finger at his uncle, friend, and mentor. "Do you? You know, you're not going to be very productive without proper nutrition, mister."

Barry laughed. "Okay, okay! Geez, what are you, my mom?" There was a slightly awkward pause at that, and then Barry rubbed the back of his head. "You're working out today, right?"

"Yup. Might start with the gym for some strength training, warm-up with a jog down Main, then some cross-country and endurance training for cardio – later, when it's not as hot."

Summer vacation was only boring as long as you had nothing to do. And with just six months in the actual crime-fighting, hero-ing business (finally, after a whole year of just figuring out how to use and control his newfound speed) Wally was anxious to turn every day into an opportunity to stretch his legs. And improve.

Because _boy_ was there room for improvement.

"Leg day?" Barry asked with a smirk. _Leg day, code for speed-sprinting_. Raising his max speed so he could easily zip up to Mach One and then slow back down to baseline – without tripping – was Wally's goal for the summer.

"Never skip leg day." Wally grinned.

"Now, remember." Barry set his brown bag lunch down on his desk and ruffled Wally's hair just to irritate him. "Stay safe out there, hydrate frequently, and don't push yourself, all right? We don't want another repeat of last summer, Kid."

"Obviously. No wipeouts." Wally rolled his eyes. "I'll check in later, yeah?"

"Sounds good."

The day was still young, the sun still rising in the sky just one hour past dawn. Wally stretched with a yawn at the intersection outside the Central City PD headquarters, waiting for the pedestrian right-of-way to cross the street. _Maybe I'll grab some coffee for an extra boost before I get started. Or would that be overboard?_

Two seconds later, his phone rang.

Digging it out of his pocket, Wally frowned. _Unknown number._ He picked up. "Y'ello! Whatever it is you're selling, I don't want any–"

"Kid Flash?"

Wally froze.

He swallowed. Looked to his right and left at the passersby hurrying on their way to work that morning. Glanced at the sign giving the okay to cross the street. Strongly debated turning back inside to get Uncle Barry.

 _How does someone know my secret ID? And my civvie number, for crying out loud?_

"Kid Flash? … Hello? Is anyone there?" The voice was a whisper, an urgent rasp with… a slight echo?

Steeling himself, Wally sucked in a breath and muttered, "Who is this?"

"It's… it's Robin."

Wally's mouth gaped a moment, and he eked out under his breath, "Boy Wonder?" _Need to keep this end of the conversation vague, might be eavesdroppers._

He recalled the few times the two sidekicks had met in the past six months that Wally was out as an official hero. The other guy seemed a bit standoffish – aloof even. Not a total killjoy or antisocial, exactly, but… obviously the partner to the Batman. Analytical, reserved, and a bit put off by Wally's… essence. Probably didn't have many friends, and it showed.

( _You're one to talk, dork_ , Wally reminded himself. _Not like you have much experience in the friend department._ )

Still. Coming from Central City, where he was hailed and adored by all, Wally got the impression through their limited interactions that Robin just didn't like him very much. _So what gives? Why call now?_

Wally's eyes narrowed. "Wait a sec – how'd you even get this number?"

"Not important."

"Uh, I kinda beg to differ–"

"Look, I'm in a tight spot so I don't have time for banter, okay? I–" Robin fell silent for a moment, and there was shuffling in the background before he continued in a low whisper, "I need a huge favor – and to _swear you to secrecy_."

"Ooo. Fancy."

"I'm serious. Whatever happens, don't tell Batman."

 _These Gothamites are so dramatic. Seriously._ "Mum's the word… What's the favor?" Wally bit his lip, nodding casually at some businesswomen walking past.

"An extraction."

"Ah, wisdom teeth giving you trouble?" He joked to hide the nerves of having the Dark Knight's apprentice call him up on his _freaking civvie phone_.

"What? No – okay, long story short, I'm currently holed up in some air vents at this place in Arizona, and I _desperately_ need a ride out of here."

"A _ride_? What do you think I am, a taxi?" Wally glanced at his phone incredulously. "And why the heck are you in Arizona anyway? Where's B – the Big Guy?"

"Please? I don't have any other – I'll owe you." Robin sighed on the other end of the line. He sounded really on edge, adding, "I can send you the coordinates and… and just meet you at the curb. In and out, back to the Zetas, and I'm out of your hair."

Wally cocked his head in a momentary thought, checking his watch and doing some mental math for distance and his speed. Well, he was going to be doing some endurance training today , he couldn't pass up the chance to hang with Robin one-on-one, without the guy's mentor breathing down his neck. Could turn out to be a bonding moment or something.

With a shrug, Wally nodded to himself. "Yeah, I'm in. I'll Zeta to Phoenix, and then… take the highway, I guess. Might take an hour or so, that okay? It'll be a hot one, gotta pace myself for the return trip."

"That's fine." Robin sighed in deep relief. "Thanks. You're a lifesaver. And um – you can radio me on the comms when you get close."

"Right. See you then."

* * *

There was a Zeta-Beam station at the STAR labs facility in Phoenix – the national branch for studying meterology and natural disasters – and Wally stepped through in full Kid Flash regalia after dumping his civvie clothes behind a dumpster back in Central. He'd come back for them later, since he needed to travel as light as possible. After signing a few autographs of interns at STAR labs and using their Wi-Fi to look up the coordinates Robin sent on his phone, Wally stepped out into the outskirts of Phoenix and groaned.

It was hot. So hot. The weather app said it was… oh, _God_. _120 degrees Fahrenheit?_ _What kind of hell state is this?_ Wally's phone was starting to overheat, so after memorizing the directions, he plopped it in his backpack for safekeeping. After stopping at a drug store in Phoenix to stock up on some snacks and water – and winking at the stunned cashier – he didn't hesitate before taking off towards his destination. The place seemed like a small blip in the middle of nowhere on the map, the nearest town having a population of less than 3,000 people.

It was calming, running the interstate. Wally's mind wandered, his legs moved on autopilot, and his hair flew in the breeze. Despite the mystery behind his being out here in the first place, he loved this.

Some time later as he drew closer to Robin's location, the speedster tapped his comms and turned it to the Boy Wonder's channel. "KF to Robin – I'm about four minutes away, over."

There was nothing but static.

"Uh… Robin, this is Kid Flash. I'm getting closer… You copy?"

No response.

Huh. Bad signal? They _were_ out in the boonies.

Wally picked up the pace, and a few seconds later he was standing on the side of the highway. No sign of Robin. _This better not be a prank._

Spinning around in frustration, Wally considered the dirt path leading perpendicularly away from the road. About half a mile away, a building stood on a hill against the sky. _Must be it._ He followed the path.

A large, electrified, chain-link fence surrounded a seven- or eight-story tall, wide, gray building. Solar panels, chimneys, and satellite dishes decorated the roof. A manned gate barred entrance to the base, and armed guards patrolled the grounds in regular intervals.

No sight of Robin. A frown crossed his face. _Something's not right…_

Wally tapped his earpiece again. Still nothing but static. "Robin, come in. Come-in-come-in-come-in."

* * *

"Come out, come out, little thief!"

Ignoring the chatter from Kid Flash in his ear, Robin crawled as silently as possible, trying not to make any noise alerting the facility to his exact location. He was cornered, and his pursuers knew it. Should he try to break out the ventilation system, take his chances fighting on the ground, find an exit that way?

Voices echoed through the metal shaft, taunting him.

"We know you're there."

"The jig is up! Let's not draw this out any longer."

Robin hurriedly rounded a corner, and his knee hit the wall with a wince-inducing _clang_.

"There you are," growled a voice through the grate right below him. "You're not getting away, kid."

Robin's heart skipped a beat.

 _Uh-oh._

* * *

 _ **BOOM.**_

* * *

Just then, a loud explosion from inside the building made Wally jump, and made the guards in view running around in shock and disarray. Thick plumes of gray and green smoke started pouring from the windows – and those chimneys up top.

 _Robin said he was in the air vents._

Wally's irritation melted into concern. He had a hunch that Boy Wonder was connected to that blast somehow... And might still be in there.

Wally circled the perimeter again before resigning himself to the fact that stealth was just not going to be his friend in this extraction. He got a running start, pulled his goggles back on over his face, and held in a deep breath. Then he rushed the front gate, vaulting over the barricade and leaving the startled cries of the guard behind him.

 _Pick up speed – faster, faster, and up we go!_ Wally raced up the side of the building. Eight floors was always stretch, but he made it high enough to dangle by his hands off the side of the warehouse. His foot gained some traction on a window sill, and he shoved himself over edge, rolling away from the side of the building just as _bullets_ peppered the space he'd just occupied. Yikes. These guys meant business.

No time to dilly-dally – he couldn't hold his breath forever. Wally lunged towards one of the fume hoods, yanked away the grate, and dropped down an air shaft. One hand reached up to switch his goggles to infrared. _I c_ _an hold my breath for maybe ten seconds more – gotta make them count._

Wally didn't like air vents too much. They were so small and constricting that claustrophobia was bound to kick in if he spent too much time in them. So he moved quickly, trying to judge the direction of the smoke for where the source could be, while scanning for any sign of life.

He rounded a corner and suddenly stumbled upon a bright splotch of red and yellow on his display. _Found you!_ Right before his hand collided hard with something with sharp edges. " _OW! Son of a–_ "

… Oops.

Gas flooded Wally's nose, mouth, and lungs, and… yup. It was poisonous. He started hacking so hard he nearly hurled right then and there at the burning stench, before turning his attention to the limp form of the other person in the ventilation shaft. No wonder Robin wasn't answering – he probably passed out when the gas first blew. Wally got a good handful of the Boy Wonder's uniform and the heavy box, and dragged them back the way he came.

Not for the first time, Wally was deeply thankful for all those upper body workouts Uncle Barry put him through on a near-daily basis back in the spring. He miraculously managed to haul the other sidekick and the strange item up over his head through the fume hood leading to the roof, and then pulled himself up behind them.

Panting and coughing, Wally clutched his chest. It burned. Really hurt to breathe. Made his eyes tear up, even through the protective goggles. His head felt lightweight, and Wally closed his eyes as his equilibrium rebalanced itself. Wouldn't want to dizzily stagger off the side of an 85-foot tall building or anything.

Wally had only had about three to five seconds of exposure – and it was already this bad? Robin had been stewing in the gas for longer, and was out cold. Not to mention the guy wasn't wearing actual goggles like Wally's. Not good.

 _We've gotta clear the area. Get out of here._

Without any further thought, Wally stashed the strange Block into his backpack, frowning as he tested the extra thirty or forty pounds of weight, before hoisting Robin over his shoulder. Eyeing a gutter pipe – _it'll have to do_ – Wally grunted before sliding down the side of the facility. The hot metal scalded his hands through his gloves a bit, but his feet were finally back on the ground where they belonged.

"Okay," he exhaled, readjusted the weight of his burdens, and took off.

* * *

Faint sirens wailed and gunfire crackled in his wake as Wally bolted down the road to the main highway, putting some distance between them and the facility. After making his way down the interstate a bit, he slowed down and carefully lowered his burdens on the side of the road. He dropped to his knees beside the Boy Wonder, rubbing sweat off his own forehead.

"Hey, Robin. Wakey wakey." He shook the guy's shoulder a little.

No dice.

Just as Wally was wondering if he would have to perform mouth-to-mouth on the sidekick to the freaking _Dark Knight_ , Robin shifted and coughed, eyelids fluttering in the glaring sunlight.

 _Thank God. No liplock today._

The ginger leaned away in relief and dug out a bottle of water from his backpack, handing it to Robin who squinted at the sky, dazed. "Hey, dude. 'Sup?" Kid Flash idly muttered as he tried to get Google Maps to work with the poor cell service. _Have to figure out where we are. And where to go…_

"… You made it."

"Yup. Think we can rest for a second while I get my bearings–"

Wally broke off at the faint sound of multiple revving engines. Whipping his head around, he could see three or four motorcycles and a few cars and trucks in the distance – and getting closer by the second.

"Actually, scratch that. Alley-oop!" And they were off again. Wally accelerated from a brisk jog to a full run, Robin riding piggy-back this time, and the weighted backpack strapped tight to his chest.

That gas he'd inhaled at the facility was rapidly taking its toll. He was barely hitting 120 miles an hour, a few of their pursuers were keeping up, and he already started to feel that vague stitch in his side. It'd been year since he'd felt the sensation. Disconcerting, to say the least. _I'm not that out of shape, am I?_

About a minute into what had suddenly developed into a long-distance, high-speed, cross-country chase scene, Robin spoke up from behind Kid Flash's head. "Why're you going so slow? Thought you could–" He broke off to cough awkwardly. "Thought you could break the sound barrier."

Panting as he ran to an internal rhythm, Wally snorted in disbelief. (And instantly regretted it as a cloud of dust went up his already sore sinuses.) "You're kidding me, right? I'm hauling you – and a big ol' sack of bricks – in the summer heat, across the Sonoran Desert, trying to pace myself because I have no clue _where the heck we're going_!"

A beat. "Oh."

"Yeah. ' _Oh.'_ Not to mention, I don't have my hands free to guard your neck from the _magnificent_ whiplash you'd get from hitting Mach One. Trying not to _kill_ you while I'm saving you and your little contraband here. As long as we're not in _firing range_ for those guys, this is as fast as we need to be going."

"Ri-right."

Wally wheezed, and his diaphragm yelled at him for all of this unexpected abuse of his body. "Plus… got a good whiff of that gas back there… Not fun."

"Gotcha."

"Just– just leave the running stuff to me, okay? I'm kinda good at it." Kid Flash snickered despite their situation.

"You're right. Sorry. No backseat driving." Robin squinted through his domino mask, rubbing dust off the whites. That didn't help his visibility much – his eyes hurt. From what he could see, it was a long stretch of asphalt ahead. A _long_ stretch. "How long do you think you'll have to go?"

Wally shrugged a little as he mused out loud in between breaths. "Well… there was a small town on the way here – Wellton, I think? But the nearest hospital is in Yuma, a bit farther west from here–"

"Can you get to Phoenix?"

" _Phoenix_?" Wally grimaced, thinking about how far away the capital city was. "I mean, it's in the opposite direction. But, I guess I could? Not sure if I can last that long… Why?"

"Because Yuma's within 10 miles of the Mexican border. It's probably a good idea to not start a fight with armed enemies there, if it comes to a confrontation. Wouldn't want to start an international incident. Kind of the opposite of what we're going for." Robin blinked hard, his vision blurring heavily.

"Right, right… 'Cause you don't wanna tip off Batman..." Wally's muscles were starting to cramp, and he rolled his shoulders with a wince. _I've pushed myself harder than this. So, yeah, I think I can make it. Don't wanna let Boy Wonder down, after all._ "Phoenix it is. Kinda runnin' low on options here, though. We've got about a half-mile lead on our friends back there. You got an idea to shake 'em once I pull a U-turn?"

"Um…" Squinting his practically useless eyes, Robin reached down to his utility belt, navigating the pockets from memory. "I've got a few smoke bombs left – and a flash bomb. When we get close, I'll throw up a screen and toss the flash. That'll make a gap in the path as they swerve to avoid it, and you can run right through."

"Then I step on it, and we get the heck out of Dodge." Wally smirked as he tightened his grip on Robin's legs and prepared to spin. "You know what? It's a plan. Here we go!"

It was a bit like playing chicken. The fastest kid in the world zooming towards an entourage of armed and angry motorists, putting trust in his rider that they wouldn't get mowed down by gunfire and/or run over in just a few seconds.

Wally had actually never gone into combat with someone besides Uncle Barry at his side yet. And Robin had never fought with a speedster. Their little setup was a first for both of them. It was exhilarating just as much as it was nerve-wracking – untried, untested, unknown potential.

But with remarkable accuracy and precision, Robin launched an arsenal of tiny explosions that set up a cloud of gray and black dust in the road between them. Wally focused his perception as he anticipated the bullets that inevitably came piercing through the thick haze, zipping to and fro with expertise that only came from a year's worth of practice with his mentor. Robin clung tight to the speedster's back, amazed at how easily the other sidekick slipped and dodged. He palmed his own pièce de résistance, watching for the right moment.

"Head's up!" he shouted beside Wally's ear over the shouts of gunfire and roar of engines.

The flash bomb went off just a few yards in front of the speedster's feet, and Wally grit his teeth as he raced right for it, hoping he wasn't about to plow headfirst into an SUV.

But sure enough, there was nothing but air as he punched through the smoke screen and left the disoriented enemy in the dust. All in all, the whole maneuver only took about ten seconds, but it felt like an eternity. Still… they pulled it off.

"That actually worked." Robin sounded surprised, impressed even.

"That was… awesome!" Wally gasped with a grin, just pumped that they weren't dead. A bullet just barely grazed his ear back there, but he could hardly feel it under all the adrenaline. "A'ight! Next stop, Phoenix."

* * *

A third of the way to Phoenix, Wally was feeling the burn in every way.

What little of his pale skin wasn't covered by his uniform or cowl was getting completely _roasted_ under the sun. ( _Sunscreen. Duh. Knew I forgot someting._ ) He was starving from having burned away his breakfast calories hours ago, and his stomach was starting to eat itself. Lactic acid was already starting to build up in his thighs and calves as his metabolism went haywire trying to purge the poisonous gas in his system. And the gas itself made his lungs and eyes ache.

Lessons from Uncle Barry came to mind, about endurance. Not even a speedster was immune to total burnout and worse. Just like any other normal human, factors like food and water, climate and terrain, and just basic fitness level came into play. They just had a lot more _time_ to deal with the factors – or succumb to them – than the average person.

Wally didn't know how much time was left.

Still, at least he was awake. Couldn't say the same for the guy on his back.

Robin was dead to the world. Again. And if it wasn't for the guy's unconscious hacking and shaky breathing against Wally's shoulder blades, he'd be worried the Boy Wonder was dead for real. _And here I thought this was going to be a bonding experience. Ha._

When Robin first stopped responding to Wally's prodding and questions, he felt his gut clench – and not just in pain or hunger. "Oh, this is not good." _Not good, not good, not good._ He couldn't let Robin kick the bucket. Not on his watch. Forget what the freaking _Batman_ would do to him, Wally actually liked the guy. He'd admired him for years, followed his work, even got inspired to become a hero because of him. And Wally _just_ got to meet him. He wanted to…

For the love of Pete – he wanted to be Robin's _friend_. Wanted to get on his good side. That was why agreed to attempt this whole extraction in the first place. He wanted to make a good impression, wanted to impress the other sidekick.

He wanted Robin to like him.

 _You just might be my first real friend. Ever. There is no way in heck I'm going to your funeral, Boy Wonder. Not on my watch._

Wally ground his teeth together in frustration as he fought back another wave of nausea. His backpack thumping against his stomach and rib cage with every step wasn't helping. That big Block inside the bag hung like an anvil around his neck, along with what was left of the snacks and water Wally'd stocked up on earlier that day. He wanted to dump the weird brick, but he didn't. _If that thing – whatever it is – is important enough to Robin to cause all this mess, then I'd better not give it up now._

Salty sweat started to trickle behind his goggles into his eyes, and he couldn't spare a hand to rub it away. Wally sighed.

 _I need to pee._

* * *

His vision was so blurred it was white. And all he could hear was a pulsing, irritating string of one syllable.

"…ob. Rob. Rob. Rob. Rob. Rob."

Robin fought to hold onto this moment of consciousness with a groan.

"Rob – Oh, thank God. How ya doin'?"

"… Not too asterous."

"C-come again?"

"Not asterous. Aster – opposite of disaster," Robin breathed, tears involuntarily leaking from the edges of his eyelids.

"Makin' up words now – ya must be goin' de-delusional, buddy." The speedster's speech came out in a stuttering, slurred jumble of words.

"Nah, don't worry… I'm always like this. How about you?"

"H-hangin' in there."

"How are you still running? I can barely stay awake."

"Metahuman… If I didn't have good constitution, I woulda-woulda died real quick a long time ago. Take a lotta hits, run into a lotta things, got a killer metabolism – and n-not to mention puberty! Ha… What'd Flash say that one time? 'A racecar's only as good as its chassis'? Or something. Dunno what it means, but like…" Kid Flash was rambling, almost to himself. Probably to help himself stay awake. Stay sane.

"Are we still being chased?"

"I dunno – maybe? I didn't hear any engines when I slowed down a while back for a water break. Speaking of, here." One of the speedster's hands dropped it's hold on Robin's leg for a moment, something hard and round poked into Robin's face, and he took a long swig of the offered canteen of lukewarm water. It helped. A little.

"How long was I out?"

"No idea. Can't re-re-really tell time when I'm running and-and can't see my watch."

Robin swallowed with a dry mouth and throat. He felt so lightheaded that it was a good thing Kid Flash was holding onto him. _Dehydration, along with poisoning from that gas._ "How far to Phoenix? And a hospital?"

"Again, I dunno. No hands free. But you– can ya check the map on my phone?"

"Wouldn't help. I can't see much," Robin breathed, his limp form slumped against Kid Flash's back.

"Wonderful. Yeah… Look, dude." Kid Flash sounded shaky, uncertain. "I-I mean, I know you're trying to keep all this hush-hush? But it's – we're not in a good place, and I'm startin' to tap out here... I really… I gotta…" He sighed heavily. "I really gotta call Flash."

Robin frowned and rubbed his now-numb eyelids through his mask.

"But I need your okay, 'cause… 'Cause then it's all gonna be a _thing_ … And-and-and Batman's for _sure_ gonna f-f-find out, so…"

Despite his own declining physical condition and the reality of their circumstances, Robin still opened chapped lips to object. If Batman found out, it'd defeat the purpose of this whole mission. He _really_ wanted to keep this under wraps, keep the existence of the Block and its contents a secret – otherwise, this might all have been for nothing, and–

And then he stopped himself.

He cleared his brain and started to rationalize, to _look at the facts_. Empirically, and objectively.

The facts about Kid Flash.

Kid Flash, who'd picked up the phone that morning, who'd said 'yes' to a huge ask out of the blue, who'd dropped everything to head straight to another state, who'd gone above and beyond what Robin had asked, who'd suffered the same poison attack Robin had and managed to pull off the extraction anyway. Who was now carrying him long-distance at personal expense, and – Robin shifted his foot and slightly tapped the backpack, verifying the Block was still in there – and still managed to hold onto the stolen data the whole time?

And then Kid Flash sounded almost defeated, apologetic in a simple – and Robin admitted, _obvious_ – request for approval to ask for help. And wasn't that crazy? Kid Flash felt guilty, even after all the amazing things he'd done today. Heck, he was saving Robin's life, even though he was hurting just as much.

It was Robin who felt guilty. He'd already asked for too much from the teenage speedster. Now was no time for stubbornness. He sighed in resignation, knowing the right answer.

"Yeah. Make the call."

"You-you sure? 'Cause if it's important, I could–"

"I'm positive. And, thanks."

"A'ight. Okay. So, um, can ya do me a favor?" Kid Flash sucked in deep breaths, trying to catch his second wind while sprinting down a highway. "Can ya triple-tap one of my earpieces? It'll call Flash. Kinda like speed-dial."

"O…kay?" Robin managed to smirk as he blindly reached up his hands to feel around Kid Flash's spiky hair, finally finding and grabbing onto one of the lightning-bolt earpieces on the side of the speedster's head. Tapping it three times, he asked with an incredulous laugh, "So these zig-zags are like walkie-talkies?"

"Uh, _yeah_! What didja think they were for, aesthetic?" Wally huffed a laugh as well before stiffening as he listened. "It's ringing."

* * *

Barry Allen had been peering with one eye into a microscope for the past several minutes, straining his vision as he focused on the hair sample under the lens.

Finally satisfied with his observations, he leaned away from the instrument and jotted down some notes with a pen on a notebook nearby, then rose and stretched, his back popping as tension released from his shoulders.

It was a pretty slow day in the lab. Just him and resident coroner Leah, while the rest of the staff was out in the field or off-duty. He technically had the day off, too, but thought he'd stock up on hours for those inevitable missed ones whenever the city needed the Flash in the coming week.

Just as Barry made his way towards the coffee machine, his phone rang. _Ah. Kid. Probably calling with some question or other…_

"Hey, Kid, how's it going – _What?_ "

Barry spun around suddenly, gripping his phone tightly with one hand as he almost dropped his empty coffee mug on the counter. Across the room, Leah jumped, eyes widening as Barry – cool, calm, collected, always slightly frumpled and tired-looking but ever-cheerful Barry Allen – looked shocked. And bewildered. And… afraid? There was definitely worry in those dark blue eyes.

"Okay, okay, I – look – Kid, just – just one sec." Putting his hand over the phone, Barry turned to Leah – the senior technician on duty and therefore his boss – and apologetically started to open his mouth.

Leah shook her head and waved him off quickly. "By all means, Allen – go. I'll cover for you when Richardson checks in."

Dr. Leah Bowman was not one to ask questions when it came to Barry's business. She just didn't give a fudge, as long as he kept doing the spectacular work he'd done to date, and as long as he made up his time later. Which he always did... though sometimes at three or four in the morning. It was a win-win arrangement for everybody, even if one of them was in the dark about what the other was up to when they suddenly left the lab during work hours. The middle-aged woman added with a slight smile, "And good luck with… whatever it is."

Barry hurriedly grabbed a few of his things and shrugged with a sheepish smile as he backed out through the double doors. "Thanks a million."

In the next half-second, Barry was out the lab's back door, in his suit, and six blocks down the street on the way to the city's Zeta-Beam. His phone connected to the Bluetooth in his earpiece, and he picked up the conversation with his boneheaded nephew. "What on earth are you even _doing_ in Arizona, Kid? And why's Robin with you? Does Batman know–"

"Flash, long story short? We're poisoned, we're dehydrated, we've been chased halfway across a desert, and we're going to Phoenix. Can you meet us there?"

 _"I'm there."_

"Oh. Wow. Right, Fastest Man Alive… Um, well we're gonna be coming in hot… P-pun intended."

"Eh, nice try. You all right, Kid? You don't sound so hot. Pun also intended." Barry paced in front of a Wal-Mart rubbing his head anxiously. It was _really_ hot. Props to Kid for making it out there for what sounded like a long marathon of endurance running in these conditions, but his sidekick was no doubt overexerting himself.

"I'm fine, Fla–" The kid broke off coughing, a terrifying, wet and chunky, heaving cough that did not sound like the product of healthy lung function.

Barry pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stave off waves of anxiety for his nephew. "Uh-huh."

"Look, five minutes, all right? … I see a sign for Phoenix Memorial Hospital."

"Okay, I'll see you guys soon." Barry hung up and sighed, turning to locate the hospital and get a medical team ready in the emergency room.

 _You're in big trouble, Kid. Stay safe._

* * *

Robin had passed out _again_. And this time, Wally was just about fit to join him.

They sped into Phoenix and followed the highway signs towards the nearest hospital before slowing to a jog. Wally scanned the streets for a good place to do something unpleasant-but-necessary before they got any closer to the hospital.

An alleyway? Ugh, _fine_.

Trembling from head to toe and on the verge of losing his grip on consciousness, Wally gingerly lay down Robin on the ground, along with the backpack, and spun out of his uniform until all he had on were his tighty-whities. Shoving the yellow uniform in a bag, he staggered over the Boy Wonder who lay sprawled out and oblivious on the ground.

His vision was swimming, and he stalled the inevitable by texting their location to his mentor through slitted eyes. "I r-really don't wanna do this, Robin. But, like. _Civvies_."

A motorcycle revved as it zoomed past their alleyway, and Wally ducked his head, plastering himself to the wall. He couldn't be sure their pursuers didn't have contacts in the city.

Wally grit his teeth. _Why me?_

But he knew he had to. Normally, medical care was a no-brainer for heroes, civvies or not. There was some patient confidentiality policy for them, or something. But neither of them could be seen like this right now: in uniform, far from their home cities, going for treatment at a hospital where medical records would be floating around. _Not when they were being pursued by dangerous people who had it out for them._ Their names couldn't be tied to their alter-egos, so…

 _I hope you'll forgive me for this._

Focusing on the task at hand, Wally started looking for some buttons or a zipper on Robin's uniform.

* * *

Barry followed his GPS to the alleyway in Kid's text, arriving to find a heck of a scene. A couple of unconscious adolescents stripped down to their knickers and a bulky, heavy backpack – stuffed with a massive hard drive, along with Robin and Kid Flash's uniforms.

 _The scrapes you get into, Kid. Honestly._

He shoved aside his questions and frustration and slung the backpack over his shoulder, gathered the boys in each arm, and raced them into the emergency room where help was waiting.

* * *

Wally woke up with a pained gasp, jolting against unseen restraints and hyperventilating into something covering his nose and mouth. His bleary eyes saw nothing but sharp white light and he shrunk back into what felt like a pillow beneath his head as waves of discomfort rolled over his body.

 _What? Where? Who?_

Everything hurt. Inside and out. His heart was racing, and he was completely _drenched_ in sweat. Another frantic attempt to move his arms and legs was futile – something was strapping him down.

 _Was I kidnapped? What about Robin? What–_

"Easy, Kid." An approaching blurry silhouette and the familiar, soothing voice of his uncle reached Wally's senses, and he started to relax his struggles. "You're okay. You're in the ICU."

"Oh." Wally took some deep breaths and tried to crane his head to look down. "What's with the restraints?"

"You started vibrating a bit. They just wanted to make sure you didn't hurt yourself by buzzing yourself off the bed."

"Nice." Wally frowned, sitting back as exhaustion caught back up to him.

"That poison really did a number on you. Both of you."

"Robin's okay?"

"He'll be fine. Was syncopizing – fading in and out of consciousness – but fortunately that didn't turn into anything more serious." Barry crossed his arms and sat back in the chair by Wally's bed – a hospital arrangement the two of them were _way_ too familiar with – and relayed the prognosis. "You both were just shy of getting full inhalation burns. You're getting IV rehydration to get some fluids and salts back in your shriveled up bodies, along with oxygenation to clear out what's left of that gas still in your respiratory systems – you might be sneezing out green for a few days. Some vomiting, abdominal pain, diarrhea, body weakness, shortness of breath. Blistering from some wicked sunburn. Some classic side effects of heat exhaustion. The works."

"Well, that's fun."

"The doctors say you'll both make a full recovery, to take it easy for at least a week or two. They're going to keep you here under observation for at least twenty-four more hours. You two arrived in similarly bad shape – that airborne poison alone was enough to totally do Robin in, but _you_ managed to push your body almost to the point of organ shutdown. It's a wonder there's no permanent damage."

"… Yikes. So we got lucky."

"Exactly."

Wally could tell Barry wanted to unleash a storm of scolding but was holding back for his sake. "Sorry."

Barry let the apology hang in the air, before releasing a deep sigh and ruffling Wally's hair. "I'm not going to lecture you right now, Kid. Robin told me everything that happened. Despite the idiocy of the whole day, you did good. You got both Robin and yourself out of danger, you had the forethought to get supplies, you called when you could do so safely, and you surpassed some physical limits to get the job done. You pulled through for someone in need. I'm not just impressed; I'm very proud of you."

Wally managed a small smile. "Learned from the best."

"Flattery won't get you anywhere, Kid. We're going to have a long talk later. _You always call me_. Not when things go south, but from the very start." Barry wore a tired-looking frown on his face. "You know better than that."

"Right." Wally looked down and nodded, steam clouding his mask as he sighed. "I'm sorry."

* * *

"I really owe you one. Heck, I owe you two."

"Hey, don't mention it."

The two of them, Wally and Robin, were out of uniform, riding in the backseat of a cab, masks still on and hooked up to oxygen tanks in their laps. Uncle Barry rode up front with the driver, directing him to the STAR labs facility where Alfred was waiting with a couple of wheelchairs for them.

When their condition had improved back at the hospital and they were done giving police statements on the facility and the armed guards still gunning for them around the state, they were approved for release and discharged. Each wore hospital gowns, since they arrived without shirts, pants, or shoes.

Slumped in his seat beside Robin, Wally averted his gaze, trying not to stare at those slightly bloodshot, blue eyes in the face the other sidekick was so careful to guard. Secret IDs were no joke, to any hero, but especially to the secretive Batman and Robin – and who was Wally to violate that?

"Seriously. You saved my life, dude." Robin suddenly reached over and flicked Wally's shoulder, and Wally turned to him quizzically. Robin seemed to debate something before asking hesitantly, "Hey… you want to meet up this weekend? Gotham or Central City, your choice – we could get pizza, maybe?"

A little floored at the offer, Wally glanced at the back of the driver's head and mouthed, _In civvies?_

Robin nodded. "Yeah. Not like we'll be doing anything else besides recovering. Why not?" Robin flashed a mischievous grin that Wally mirrored with one of his own. Sucking in a deep breath, the blue-eyed boy stuck out a hand to Wally. "Richard Grayson. But call me Dick."

Wally would later say he felt honored to get introduced to the guy behind the mask, the boy behind the Boy Wonder. That as he shook the hand of Robin, he did so with grace and maturity at this rare privilege.

But in reality, he was living in his own truth. And the guy's name was just ridiculous.

"Pfft– _Dick_? Your name is _Dick_?" Wally snickered behind his oxygen mask, and the other boy made the effort to kick him sideways in the shin. "Ow–sorry, sorry! I'm Wally. Wally West. But… I mean, you knew that. Duh." They pulled up to the labs just then, and Barry and Alfred opened the doors of the cab, helping the boys into a pair of wheelchairs. The laboratory was dimly lit and empty, all the STAR employees having gone home for the day.

Dick looked back at him, gears turning behind that piercing blue gaze. "You know, you're pretty cool, Wally." Alfred cleared his throat, and Dick shrugged. "Got to go – I'll text you."

"Right. You've got my number. Somehow." Wally quirked a smile.

"Take it easy," said Barry to the boy and his butler, "and tell Bruce I say hi."

"Will do. Thanks, Mr. Allen. For everything."

As Dick waved and they disappeared into the glowing portal of the Zeta-Beam, Barry entered Central City as the next destination in the teleporter's computer.

Meanwhile, Wally stewed on that brief exchange, before nearly leaping out of the wheelchair as it dawned on him. "Wait – Richard Grayson… I've heard that name before. And Bruce… maybe... Bruce… No. Way."

Barry raised an eyebrow at him, smirking. "For a genius, sure took you long enough."

"No way. _No way._ Bruce _Wayne?_ Are you _kidding_ me?"

"Well, looks like you're gonna have to get a new clearance level." Barry sighed yet again that day, rubbing the back of his neck as he was prone to do. "I'll set up an appointment at the Hall of Justice and a background check–"

"Bruce Wayne is Batman. Batman is Bruce Wayne. And… Richard Grayson is Robin! And I'm friends with him!" Wally's eyes were practically glowing neon green as his brain raced through the possibilities. "This changes everyth–"

"Kid?"

"Right."

"Just… cool it," Barry said with a laugh.

"Sorry."

"Let's go home. And you're grounded."

"Yeah, I figured."

* * *

 **BONUS.**

 **Wally:** hey, quick question

 **Dick:** Yeah?

 **Wally:** just realized  
 **Wally:** you never told me what was so special about that block  
 **Wally:** 1\. what is it?  
 **Wally:** 2\. why'd you have to get it alone?  
 **Wally:** and 3. was it worth all the trouble?

 **Dick:** …  
 **Dick:** 1\. That's classified.  
 **Dick:** 2\. Also top-secret.  
 **Dick:** 3\. Definitely.

 **Wally:** that's not fair

 **Dick:** Hey, what can I say?  
 **Dick:** It's a mystery. I'm mysterious.

 **Wally:** you're really not going to tell me?

 **Dick:** …  
 **Dick:** Ask me in about twenty years.  
 **Dick:** Just kidding.  
 **Dick:** Okay – keep this on the down-low, all right?

 **Wally:** lips are sealed

 **Dick:** It's data – very valuable, very dangerous.  
 **Dick:** I found out about it by accident and wanted to learn more.

 **Wally:** why not tell batman at first?

 **Dick:** Because it involves Batman.

 **Wally:** oooooo

 **Dick:** The thing is – it's a map.  
 **Dick:** But not any kind of map. It's a 3-D model, kind of like Google Earth.  
 **Dick:** It marks things like the Zeta-Beams and various heroes and their cities on Earth.  
 **Dick:** But it's not our Earth.  
 **Dick:** It's an Earth like a decade or two into the future.

 **Wally:** wait, what?  
 **Wally:** what do you mean?

 **Dick:** I mean, the buildings look totally different.  
 **Dick:** The tech looks way too advanced.

 **Wally:** are there hover cars?

 **Dick:** … Yeah, sort of?

 **Wally:** awesome

 **Dick:** Anyway, I zoomed in on Gotham and found me and Bats – in uniform.  
 **Dick:** Except it wasn't... Bats. I could tell.

 **Wally:** no?

 **Dick:** Well…  
 **Dick:** I was Batman.  
 **Dick:** The Robin was somebody else.

 **Wally:** hold the phone  
 **Wally:** that raises so many questions

 **Dick:** Exactly.  
 **Dick:** I had to find out more, right?  
 **Dick:** But I didn't want Bats to know because…  
 **Dick:** Well, it's just a projection.  
 **Dick:** It's not a fortune cookie.  
 **Dick:** But to think I replace Bruce and don the mantle?

 **Wally:** pretty freaky stuff  
 **Wally:** and kinda freaky that those randos in AZ were projecting it in the first place

 **Dick:** My thoughts exactly.

 **Wally:** ok quick question  
 **Wally:** not sure I wanna know, but  
 **Wally:** what do you see in central city?  
 **Wally:** are barry and i there?

 **Dick:** …  
 **Dick:** Barry's there, sort of.  
 **Dick:** And Kid Flash is there.  
 **Dick:** It's you two, but not really…  
 **Dick:** They're speedsters, but they look like a couple of glitches.

 **Wally:** glitches?

 **Dick:** Like I can't tell who – or what – they are.  
 **Dick:** They keep blinking in and out, and keep changing faces between two or three people.

 **Wally:** now that's super freaky

 **Dick:** Again, it's just a projection.  
 **Dick:** Probably doesn't mean anything.

 **Wally:** right  
 **Wally:** probably means nothing

 **Dick:** Gotta go – Bruce and I have to have a Big Talk(TM).

 **Wally:** yikes  
 **Wally:** good luck

 **Dick:** We still on for Saturday?

 **Wally:** you got it!

* * *

 _ **A.N.**_ And the rest is history!

A few **notes** : This chapter turned out a lot longer than I expected – since I usually try to keep these one-shots to around 5K words. But again, it's just a warmup after a _long_ time out of the writing game. End result might have turned out a little rough around the edges, less streamlined than I'd like, but enough procrastinating!

For the premise, I always wondered how Kid Flash and Robin got to be BFFs, and I figured that given their very different backgrounds and tendencies, it'd take a while for them to grow on each other! This was an imagining of the first time they really started to "bond" through adversity – summer 2007, as a personal headcanon. And also an early incident where they started operating independently from their mentors – not just as "sidekicks", but as heroes in their own right. Fun to think about!

I'm trying to get a little more realistic with the finer details of hero-ing and medical complications. I found this great blog resource for writers looking to stay accurate and realistic with health and medical stuff, so if you want, check out **ScriptMedic**!

Many **thanks** to the dozens of people who messaged me over the past year and a half. You don't know how much it means to me, knowing that there are still people who read these stories and are still waiting for more. Your encouragement and patience is incredible, and I'm super grateful for Readers Like You.

As an update on **Outlier** , I've been dabbling with Chapter 20 ("Contingent") throughout the past year and a half. It's in outline stage, a few scenes nailed out. So after this one-shot goes up, I'll get back to that and really try to push it out by the end of August. I've made so many promises on release dates to so many of you through the many months that I've been working on it, and I've broken every single one of those. For that, I sincerely apologize. And I'm going to really work harder on getting a system and a routine going, write at least an hour a day, etc. Fingers crossed that I can get to posting something at a weekly rate by the end of the year.

And of _course_ , we've all got **YJ Season 3** to look forward to in 2018. So that's even more motivation to get the Outlier story/series back on track!

Anyway, thanks for reading! Feel free to drop a **review** if you feel like it, and to **pitch ideas** for the remaining chapters in this little series! I've got plenty of ideas, but I'm always open to more!

Take care. :)

Yours,

Iron Woobie


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